This Is Me

Diet - Day 5

7am - random crap

9am - fiber bar and coffee

11am - macaroni and cheese

1:40 - humus and salsa and these multi-grain harvest tortilla chip things

I have come to the conclusion..

*** thanks to Midtown ***

that I am attempting self-salvation. I need help.

Diet - Day 4

10ish - ham and cheese croissant with water

12ish - soft taco and cheese roll-up and water

6ish - snacked on some animal crackers

7:30ish - chicken alfredo (WHICH WAS AMAZING BTW)

11:30ish - had a lemon cookie

Diet - Day 3

It’s the weekend so this day and the next’s diets aren’t too great.

9:15 - Fiber bar

12ish - 3 inches worth of a ham and cheese omlet

3:30 - raisin bran

10:30ish - new york cheesecake pancakes

*** Went to a show… does throwing down count as exercise? I think it does.

Diet - Day 2

Around 10 I had two eggs.

At 11:30 I ran for 30 minutes and at a little after 12 I had a fiber bar.

A little after 2 I had A plain hot dog and some fries at Rushes. With water. Probably not the best meal, but they wanted Rushes and you can’t escape unhealthy food when you go to Rushes.

At 5 I had a banana.

At 7 I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich.

At 9 I had some macaroni. Bad, I know. but I didn’t eat until I was full.

At IHOP I had a white chocolate cappuccino.

Woke up at 10 am. At 10:30 made two eggs, didn’t finish them because they were gross. So I had a fiber bar. (bring on the gas) And had water. Didn’t count calories, but oh well. I’m estimating that I’m about 128. So we’ll see how this goes.

Went to the gym around 11.

At 12:30 ate a banana and drank water.

At 2:30 ate leftover 4” tuna sub from the HOP. Yes. Still hungry. /: Gotta get used to this feeling. And drank water.

Okay. Made a ‘no no’ at 3, I had ONE lemon girl scout cookie. And look, they’re only 75 calories per cookie. I think I could spare 75 calories for that deliciousness. And if it counts, I’m STILL hungry. So. There.

4:30 - had a banana

Around 6 I picked me up chocolate milk on the way to class, which filled me up so much, it was ridiculous. I probably wont be drinking chocolate milk for awhile.

Then around 9 I had a chicken sandwhich from Chik-fil-a.

Then when I got home I had a few chips and humus. Just like four, though. And then one cheese stick at IHOP around 11.

I HATE MY BODY. I HATE MY BOOBS. I HATE MY BUTT. I HAVE MY STOMACH. HATE. HATE.

I’m not a people person.

I’m at my friend Ashley’s house, and it might just be because I’m tired, but they’re all giggling and having fun and I’m by myself on the computer being tired and lame. I’m not really enjoying myself at all. It’s probably because I’m tired. But also. I feel like I’m just incapable of being funny and clever. It’s depressing. #foreverawkward

Helpless.

I feel so helpless. So utterly helpless. I feel so alone. I’m listening to Fall by Ascend the Hill. The song completely describes how I feel. I’ve built a wall between me and God. I can’t hear Him, I can’t feel Him, I can’t see Him. I’m selfish. I want to change, I just don’t know how. And there’s no one for me to turn to. I feel like my prayers are in vain. I feel alone. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. I have no one to talk to. The one person i’m talking to, I want to help him. And he couldn’t help me anyway. We both need to be fixed before we can help anyone. But i’m still trying. It always comes to this. I spend too much time trying to fix others and forget about myself. It’s breaking me. It’s killing me. I need help, fast. I almost feel like I can’t breathe.

Trying.

So, I’ve been reading a lot more in my bible lately. I feel a little change, but not much. I feel like what I’m reading isn’t quite hitting the spot. James wasn’t helping, John isn’t quite what I’m looking for, and so far the only thing in Psalms is David praying about how God will rescue him from his oppressors. For me… my only oppressor is myself. I still have no one to talk to. Ashley, just.. I don’t know. Derek, I just don’t think he’d understand. Hampton, he’s not quite on my level, besides, he only talks about himself. And well, that’s it. Everyone else I just… don’t want to talk to. I want help, but I don’t want to seek it. I honestly wish everything in life was handed to me. It sounds so selfish, and everyone else would say “No, no. How boring life would be!” and it’s true. If someone asked me, I’d say the same thing. But, between me and you lonely blog, I wish life was easy. I wish life was perfect. No hardships. Wisdom given to us at different ages in life without having to experience anything. I wish knowledge came easily. I wish thoughts were easy to dissect and understand. I wish people weren’t complicating. I wish no one had drama. I wish everyone spent their time trying to be nice to each other and complimenting one another. I wish boys were like the boys in the books and movies. And I wish girls would appreciate decent boys and didn’t market their bodies. All of this in a perfect world. It may sound boring to a lot of people, but at this moment in my life, it just sounds perfect.